


that's a problem 'cause i like johnny

by shaketheuniverse



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, GIRL OKAY, M/M, and jake from state farm is just alluras brother or something, he can teleport whenever someone sings the jingle, in the form of a sf employee, kelsie ballerini shows up sometimes, lance is a guardian angel, nationwide is lotors squad, so allstate is the galra empire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-17 00:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15449487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shaketheuniverse/pseuds/shaketheuniverse
Summary: “Like a good neighbour, State Farm is there!” Keith sang quietly, praying that his State Farm Savior would show up.“Sorry that I missed the first meeting. The name’s Lance. What’s...uh…” the brunet started before starting to realize what he had been thrust into. Standing in front of him, clutching the arm of the missing Takashi Shirogane, was a student with a mullet.Or: Voltron but it's insurance companies in space





	1. like a good neighbor

**Author's Note:**

> u may be wondering "how high are u?" and honestly i'm sober but u won't believe me when u finish this shit

Lance completed the Guardian Angels Yearlong Setup for State Farm (or, as those in the program called it, G.A.Y.S. 4 SF) a year before he received his first call for help. Training had prepared him for car accidents, boat accidents, fires, kidnappings, injuries, and a million other things.

Training had not prepared him for this.

“Like a good neighbour, State Farm is there!” Keith Kogane sang quietly, praying that his State Farm Savior would show up.

“Sorry that I missed the first meeting. The name’s Lance. What’s...uh…” the brunet started before starting to realize what he had been thrust into. He was in some sterile white room with a grey medical table in the center. Next to who he assumed was the client stood a larger guy who could have been samoan and a small boy with Harry Potter glasses. Most importantly, standing in front of him, clutching the arm of the missing Takashi Shirogane, was a student with a mullet.

“Pidge, Hunk, Keith. We don’t have much time,” the mullet went around the circle, pointing and naming his two partners in crime.

“Alright. Then by the powers vested in me by the church of State Farm, let’s go home,” Lance said, conjuring an ancient force to move the group out of the government facility. This ancient force, however, was annoyingly unpredictable as it only moved to the client’s home or safest second home. This brought Lance and co. to a shack in the middle of the Arizona desert.

“Hey, quick question, how did we end up kidnapping Takashi Shirogane?” the samoan guy all but shouted. Lance thought his name was Hunk.

“Yeah, Keith, how did we end up kidnapping Shiro?” the short boy seconded, calmer but clearly still alarmed. Finch? Cardi? It was, like, the first half of a bird name.

“Alright, State Farm. Why is Shiro in my desert shack?” the client, Keith, turned to Lance.

“Why the fuck would I know? How do you even have insurance? Does he have insurance or something? What the fuck is going on?” Lance panicked, starting to pace.

“Seconded! What the fuck is going on?” the dead man said, clearly not dead.

“How is he alive? Who are any of you? How did my guardian ass end up in a shack with three crazy people and a corpse?” the state farm employee continued. As he went on questioning the circumstances, Hunk and Pidge (?) began to chip in, and before long, the room was louder than a school cafeteria on a Friday.

“Okay, settle down. I’ll explain everything once I down some sugar,” Keith shouted over the noise.

“As your guardian, do not do that. Do you have any crackers or plates or something? Stress makes me hungry.”

“Uh, yeah. Bottom cabinet to the left. Go batshit.” Keith muttered, watching the tall boy slip into the kitchen.

“Keith, what have you done?” Shiro asked him, calmly, but with a look of i-will-beat-your-ass-kiddo that was not to be messed with.

“Okay, so storytime,” Keith began before giggling nervously. “I’m like a youtuber or something. I kidnapped Takashi Shirogane! Gone wrong!”

“Get on with it!” Pidge said.

“Right, uh, okay. So as Pidge and Hunk know, we were talking about aliens on the roof of the Garrison when, like, bam! There’s an alien spaceship. So we went inside, obviously, and Shiro was sitting on this steel medical thing and I just, like, freaked,” Keith rambled. 

“So you called me,” Lance finished, bringing out a plate of crackers. He nibbled into the corner of one before placing it back on the plate cautiously.

“Yeah, so I grabbed Shiro off the table and called you and you showed up! And then you teleported us here! Thanks!” 

A hush fell over the room.

“Oh my fucking god, I’m a criminal,” Hunk whispered.

“You’re a criminal? I’ve been hacking the F.B.I. for years! If they find me, I’m finished,” Pidge made a throat cutting motion.

“Guys, I think we’re ignoring the fact that  _ Takashi Shirogane is dead _ , and he’s sitting on that couch,” Lance squealed over everyone.

“What’s happened since I left?” Shiro asked, mostly directed at Keith.

“I got expelled, so I moved to the Arizona desert. It was supposed to be temporary, but then I found these cat things. Like hieroglyphics or something. I was back at the Garrison for my monthly meeting with Pidge,” he explained.

“Cool. So, like, where is this cat thing?” Lance questioned.

“We don’t know.” Lance opened his mouth to argue, but Pidge silenced him with a single finger. “We don’t know yet, you whiny guardian angel.”

“Good news is that we’ve got a general area,” Hunk offered to make Lance feel a bit better.

“Well, as your statefarm agent, I have an obligation to tell you that in approximately, eh, six and a half hours, the Garrison is going to kick our asses, and my G.A.Y.S. for SF training will be revoked immediately. We need to go find your robot cat,” Lance warned the group.

“Gays for San Francisco training? You really had to, like, prep for going to San Fran?” Keith muttered.

“You’re almost as dumb as a mullet in the twenty first century. Guardian Angels Yearlong Setup for StateFarm. G.A.Y.S. for SF,” Lance said, very annoyed with the client in question.

“Hey! My mullet is badass as hell!”

“Maybe if you were a lesbian in the late eighties.”

“What do you all mean by ‘general area’?” Shiro interrupted.

“Five mile radius of where it could be. We searched there before and found nothing,” Pidge said, eyeing Lance who seemed just about ready to wreck the place.

“Let’s go find your shitty lion robot,” he finally said, prompting the others to exit through the main and only door.

 

* * *

 

As it would turn out, finding the shitty lion robot was the easy part. It was relatively nearby, and it let down its forcefield thing to let them inside. Unfortunately, the lion expected Lance, the statefarm employee who hadn’t flown in at least a year, to drive the thing. Eventually, though, he ended up putting the lion on auto-pilot after a lot of trial and error as towards where the auto-pilot button was.

“So, like, who are you?” Pidge asked, more intrigued than anything.

“Lance McClain, or like, numerically, I’m 24016. Cuban. I joined Gays for SF to see the country. Now I’m seeing, like, the universe, so I guess I got what I bargained for.”

“Wait, numerically?” Hunk said.

“Well, you know, a lot of State Farm employees end up in car accidents that totally ruin our bodies, so we all have numbers written behind our ears and on our business cards. I’m 24016.” He pushed his hair back a little bit to show the number.

“That’s shitty,” Keith snorted.

“It’s a necessary precaution.”   
  
“A degrading one.”   
  
“Are you the one tatted?”

“Stop bickering like children. Who are you two?” Shiro interrupted, gesturing towards Pidge and Hunk.

“I’m Pidge Gunderson. I was a student at the Garrison. I’ve been fucking with their computer systems for the past two years. It’s fucking hilarious,” they said.

“Hunk Garrett. I’m actually from the Garrison’s culinary program, but Pidge dragged me into the engineering thing with them, so I’m an engineer, too.”

“Oh man, that’s fucking sick. Have you ever made tres leches cake? Because that, my good sir, is the  _ shit _ ,” Lance gushed.

“I tried once, but I’m more of a cook than a baker-” Hunk began to explain, but suddenly the cat stopped and went crashing down towards the planet below. Everyone from the cockpit began to holler at the giant robot, but it seemingly paid them no mind as they hurtled toward the terrain of a strangely pastel planet.


	2. uhh...khakis?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what are you wearing, jAkE fRoM sTaTeFaRm?
> 
> we meet allura, coran, and allura's lovely second cousin once removed, jake.

“This planet is so goddamn weird,” Shiro murmured, picking up a phallic shaped flower.

“Maybe for your tastes,” Lance replied, holding up a larger phallic flower.

“Literally, where the fuck are we. This is the strangest place I’ve ever been, and I’ve been to Wyoming,” Hunk said, looking around.

“Wyoming doesn’t exist; you were in a simulation,” Pidge shouted monotonously, as if Hunk should know this. Hunk mocked her under his breath.

“Hey! Hey! Who the fuck are you?” a man’s voice shouted. Everyone looked up simultaneously.

“Who the fuck are you?” Keith responded.

“I’m-”   
  
“Jake from State Farm. Holy shit. You’re, like, real. You aren’t a myth. I was so sure you were this ancient urban legend from like the eighties, but you’re  _ not _ . You’re real. Holy shit. Oh my god. Can you, like, sign my dick or something? This is so fucking insane. No one’s gonna believe me,” Lance rambled, unzipping his fly.

“Hey now, don’t flash me.” Jake said, causing Lance to apologetically scramble to zip his fly. “I am Jake from State Farm. Who the fuck are you?”

“We’re, uh, Earth people. From Earth. A giant blue cat robot dropped us here.” Hunk paused before continuing. “That sounds crazy. We aren’t crazy. We can, like, show you the cat.”

“No, no, I believe you. My second cousin once removed, Allura, has told me about them,” Jake smiled warmly. 

“There are others on this planet? No way,” Pidge fucking beamed like one of those flashlights that’s brighter than the sun.

“Pidge, do you really think this twink could live alone?” Shiro said, quickly turning to tell Jake that he didn’t mean he was a twink, but, well, he looked like the bottomest bottom to ever bottom.

“I am a top, but I appreciate your in-depth two second analysis of me. Come now, Allura probably wants to know why I’m not back at the castle,” Jake laughed, guiding the group through the woods. As they walked, a slew of questions ensued.

“So why isn’t Allura here?” Keith yelled from the back of the hiking line.

“She’s  giving birth.”

“Yo, that’s bad _ ass _ . I think. She’s, like, giving birth alone?” Hunk replied.

“My dad’s there to help her,” Jake chuckled.

“Jesus, remind us not to mess with any of you,” Pidge mumbled.

“Jake, are you gonna sign my dick ever?” Lance screamed even though he didn’t need to.

“Hey Pants or whatever? Can you stop asking to fuck me?” 

“Haha, your god hates you,” Keith teased from behind Lance.

“At least my god knows I exist,” he shot back.

“Do you two ever stop fighting? Like, genuinely concerned citizen here. Do you two ever leave each other alone?” Jake shouted from the front.

“Hey, will we ever stop walking you Jake-ass?” Keith hollered.

“Stop yelling. I can see a castle in the distance. We’re like kinda close. So shut up for the rest of the hike, will ya?” Pidge lamented. Though they grumbled, the dueling divas did thankfully shut up for the rest of the hike.

* * *

 

“Hey bitch!” Jake screamed at the castle doors. They opened not a moment later, and he walked in as if the ground was ice, and he was turning it to steam. This was partially because he was doing that.

“Jesus  _ fucking  _ christ, Jake, there’s a baby on board!” a woman said, her voice bouncing off the foyer walls. 

“Nice to see you too. I brought guests, who apparently brought one of the lions.”

The woman emerged at the top of the staircase wearing a lengthy satin dress. “Bullshit,” she muttered, though the echo from the room clarified her words. “The lions went missing centuries ago. There’s no way your guests found one.”   
  
“We did, actually, ma’am. It’s blue, and a cat robot, and it’s really big,” Hunk spoke up.

“That is what the blue lion looks like, right, Allura?” Jake smiled.

“It does sound like the blue lion, yes. Do you all have any idea where it is?” 

“No, we’ve been following Lance’s boner for an hour,” Pidge smirked.

“And it brought us to a castle! My dick is a natural navigator!” Lance pointed at his dick as he spoke as if everyone forgot that it was there.

“Maybe so. Regardless, can you give us something to fly back to Earth with?” Shiro asked Allura and Jake. The pair exchanged a look.

“We have some bad news,” Allura started.

“You - uh -”

“Have you told the Earthlings that they can’t go back to Earth yet?” a man with wrinkles and orange hair that didn’t match proclaimed. He held a baby that looked identical to Allura.

“We were  _ getting there _ , Coran,” Allura sighed, taking her baby from him.

“We can’t go back?” Pidge’s voice broke as they spoke.

“Not at the moment. We don’t have enough power to get anything moving in this castle. That includes, well, any of the pods,” Jake explained.

“Great. We have a lion. Let’s go,” Shiro commanded, and everyone except Lance moved to follow him.

“You’re both, like, so cute and pretty, and it, like, makes me uncomfortable and anxious, and, like, Jake, oh my god, you’re my idol, but, like, I’m morally obligated to protect Keith somehow based off the GAYS for SF program so I’m really sorry but-”   
  
“Hey Lance! Get out here!”

And he was across the room.

“Where do you all think Earth is?” Coran called across the room. The group promptly pointed in five different directions.

“Even if you could find the lion and start it up again, you have no idea where to go,” Allura pointed out.

“So how can you help?” Keith demanded.

“We need the lion to charge the castle enough to get our engines running. Then, we can find the other lions and stabilize our power source. Once our power source is stabilized, the navi will go up and we can get back to Earth,” Jake explained.

“Fine. We’ll find the other lions, and then you’re taking us straight back to Earth,” Shiro agreed, and Jake reached out his hand.

“Wait! Deals made with gods are eternally binding. What’s the catch?” Lance asked, protectively stepping in front of the group.

“You’re smarter than we thought. Tell me, 24016, what do you know of AllState?”

“Uh, can’t teleport. Lawful evil at worst. They’re pretty relaxed back on Earth."

“AllState has conquered half the galaxy. They are mimics and masters of telekinesis. In order to obtain the other lions, we must fight the powers of AllState,” Jake paced across the room.

“But if we get all the lions, we go home?” Pidge asked from the back of the group.

“Yes. Once you get all the lions, we’ll guide you home.”

“Then let’s do it,” Hunk said, and the team turned to him.

“It’s either help them out, or sit here and die forever,” he shrugged. 

“Then it’s a deal,” Jake smiled, and Lance shook his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cannot believe that u read this but do u like it???


	3. we hurt those close to us because we're hurting inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we meet one of the Mayhems, Lance is a psychologist, and everyone is shook

After a long hike back to where they thought the lion was, followed by a longer hike to where the lion actually was, Keith, Lance, Coran, and Jake decided to spend the night in the very abandoned woods. They decided originally to sleep in the lion, but they shut her off to conserve power pretty early on, so the air within the robot was moist at best, and at worst, it was dehydrating, so they moved back outside to sleep in the bushes.

Midway through the night, Keith woke up with a weight on top of him.

“What the  _ fuck _ , man?” he whispered, and the weight stirred.

“Hey, fuck you. I was peacefully sleeping, like, three feet away when you summoned me. So I just slept on top of you,” Lance hissed back, falling asleep soon after.

“Wake up, you dumbass. I didn’t summon you.”

“You were in distress, so sometimes we summon ourselves.”

“You can...sense when I’m in distress?” Keith asked, sounding disgusted and shocked simultaneously.

“Yeah. So I sensed that you were in distress subconsciously, and then proceeded to teleport on top of you,” Lance explained.

“Jesus, that’s quite a lot to expect from an eighteen year old-” Lance shushed him immediately.

“How’d you find out about that?” 

“You look eighteen, man,” Keith chuckled. “How old were you when you started training?”   


“Thirteen.”

“Ha! As if,” Keith gave a hushed laugh. Lance joined in shortly after, though his chuckle seemed more nervous than Keith's.

“Just fucking with ya. I was fifteen when I started.”

“Cool. Like a freshman.”

“Yeah, like a really old freshman,” he giggled. Keith was distracted, though.

“Hey, what’s that?” he pointed into the woods at something that appeared to be - 

“I’m a four year old ring bearer with a bad habit of swallowing stuff,” the giant that did not look like a four-year-old-ring-bearer said as he walked up to the camp.

“He’s a four year old ring bearer with a bad habit of swallowing stuff,” Lance repeated.

“Got that the first time.”

“Mayhem,” Jake muttered under his breath, pushing himself to his feet. Next to him, Coran also stood up.

“The years have not been kind to you, Jake from State Farm. Too bad you don’t sell age insurance,” the man said before sending out a bellowing laugh at his own joke. He then looked at his not-laughing audience.

“Fine. Don’t laugh. See if I care. It won’t matter when I’ve got you all under my ring finger!” Mayhem cackled again, sending rings looping around the four dudes.

Three dudes.

Keith had vanished.

Mayhem had also noticed this.

“Where did the short one go? He was- was he not here? There was a short one with black hair, like, right there,” he rambled, and suddenly Lance was inside the blue lion.

“Aw, you called for me. You do care,” he teased.

“Move your arms away from each other or I’ll slit both your wrists,” Keith grumbled, and Lance obliged. Soon, the ring was off.

“I’m gonna go distract Mayhem. Get Coran and Jake,” he instructed.

“Dude, the second you go into distress, I’m the one getting fucked over. Let me distract Mayhem. It’s, like, what I live for. This is literally my whole job,” Lance stopped him, offering a much more sensible plan.

“Right. Okay, head out there, State Farm,” Keith smiled, and for a second time stopped, but then Mayhem laughed his belly laugh, and time was in action again.

“Hey! Mayhem!” Lance screeched like a banshee.

“What?” Mayhem shouted back.

“Why are you doing this?” Lance yelled.

“Beg your pardon?” 

“Yeah, Lance, what the fuck?” Keith said, but Lance pushed on.

“Well, I mean, like, do you consider yourself a villain? And if so, what’s your motivation? Like, why are you trying to kill us?” Lance clarified, and Mayhem seized him in his giant hand. To the surprise of everyone, though, the giant just held Lance close to his face.

“Why do you care?” he asked.

“Well, like, you know, sometimes we hurt other people because, like, something a long time ago totally fucked us up, and we don’t know how to handle it. We can’t, like, cope with what happened, and we can’t communicate what’s wrong, so we lash out on people when really all we want is to be heard,” Lance rambled.

“We have to open up ourselves to show him that it’s okay!” Jake realized aloud. They all sat silent for a moment before Keith spoke up.

“When Shiro went missing, I got totally screwed up. I didn’t trust anyone. One day, while I was still a student, I just lost it. Professor Mathews, who I  _ liked _ , asked if I was okay, and I just punched him in the face. I didn’t want to hurt him, but asking if I was okay just pushed me off the edge. That’s why I got expelled,” Keith said, showing vulnerability if that was unclear.

“I know how you feel. When Alfor left us, we all isolated ourselves from each other,” Coran agreed. “He was a huge presence in all of our lives, and without him, it felt like anyone could leave at any moment. We had been fighting the war for years at that point, but the loss of Alfor made it feel real. We pulled away from each other because we didn’t want to feel that loss again. Then, one day, Allura left the milk out, and I just lost it. I said so many horrible things to her and Jake, and I realized that we were all hurting, but we hadn’t had the proper outlet.”

“I’ve got so much to live up to, you know?” Mayhem said. “Like, all my brothers are so great at their jobs. They’re so sneaky and under the radar. Like Lost Phone or Train of Thought. But I’m a kid. I’m the youngest, yeah? There’s so much for me to become, and I don’t think I can do it.”

 

“I was the youngest too. All my brothers and sisters went off to these great schools and jobs, but I never wanted that. I thought I did, but once time came to choose a career, I couldn’t. I realized that I didn’t want to be a lawyer or doctor or politician. I wanted to be a guardian,” Lance smiled.

“It’s just so hard to be better than the best. I want to make my family happy and proud, but I can’t,” Mayhem explained.

“Mayhem, would you rather be happy and proud, or make your family happy and proud?” Jake asked.

“I’ve never really thought about it.”

“Think now. What will make you happy?” Lance quietly questioned.

“I’ve always wanted to be a mineral blower. Like, those miniature glass animals you have on Earth? We have those all around the universe, but made from diamonds, opals, topazes. It’s insane. I wanna do that,” the giant smiled almost wistfully.

“Then do that. Do what you love, not what will make your family happy,” Coran said as if it was simple.

“I think I might,” Mayhem nodded as he spoke. “Thanks. I guess I won’t kill you all.”

“Thank you. Maybe see a space psychologist, too. It helps to get professional help,” Lance advised as Mayhem let him down.

“I will. Thank you, Lance.”   


“You’re welcome, Mayhem.”

“Call me Paul.”   
  
“You’re welcome Paul.”

The giant walked back into the forest before dropping suddenly. Once he vanished, Jake was the first to speak.   


“Lance, that was  _ amazing _ .”

“Oh, thanks. I took psych for three years, so I was really banking on human reactions being similar to giant reactions.”

“Well, you banked right. That was literally the coolest, most relaxed I’ve ever seen anyone react to a giant,” Keith emphasized.

“All’s in a day’s work,” Lance blushed a bit.

“We should head back soon. The others will be worried, and psychobabble may not work on someone like Lost Phone,” Coran clapped twice, signalling that the group should get moving. They all did so, loading up the lion and flying back to the castle shortly and silently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been at a mini band camp all week and then i go to real band camp all next week so yeah!!! if u want to keep up with me, follow me on tumblr and soundcloud.
> 
> tumblr: illeahgal.tumblr.com  
> soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/leah-gray-17790262


	4. STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh my god guys guys guys this is my masterpiece sorry but i've peaked

Although adjusting to the new planet was rough, adjusting to life in a flying castle ship was even  _ worse _ because, unbelievably, space got  _ boring _ . It was like a never ending road trip between lions (they had found two more - yellow and green). The castle ship may have been gigantic, but the cabin fever of being inside for so long really got to the group. Not to mention the always crying baby, fondly named Toto bie Africa. 

It was determined that rest was needed.   


Majority of the paladins had been able to rest. Everyone, in fact, except Keith, who continuously put himself in perilous situations, and Lance, who teleported to Keith whenever such a situation arose. It was determined that, until Coran could figure out how to make the teleportation an optional thing, the duo would need intermittent breaks.

This was the beginning of a bad idea.

* * *

 

“We quit, Alken! It is too much to ask!” a pair of aliens cried from a studio-looking room.

“Keith, hey, Keith, what’s going on over there?” Lance murmured. Keith looked up.

“I don’t know. Let’s get close enough to eavesdrop, but not close enough to get involved,” he warned. The duo pretended to be window shopping as they got closer to the shouting match.

“You are insane! The both of you! You cannot act, for you are without feeling!” the short alien proclaimed. The two actors looked offended.

“How could you! Perhaps you are the one without feeling!” one of the actors screamed.

“You are unable to love! It is all because your former lover and third cousin left you!” the other continued, before together they walked away.

“How could I find two good actors for my earth play? It is impossible on such short notice!”

Lance looked at Keith. Keith looked back.

“No fucking way.”

“He needs us, Keith! Besides, it’s an  _ earth  _ thing. Back in Varadero, my mom used to take us to these local theatre things every Friday. It, like, shaped who I am,” the cuban boy said.

“Local theatre made you a douche?” Keith wondered aloud sarcastically.

“No,” Lance smiled with a dangerous glint in his eye. “Local theatre made me a scheming son of a bitch.”

Before Keith knew what had happened, Lance had already gotten the love interest in Alken’s show, and before he could audition, Keith had landed the protagonist.

* * *

 

As it would turn out, the most infamous fanfiction in history was the great love story of the space mall.

“Hi. My name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. I have long, ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back, and a lot of people tell me I look a lot like Amy Lee. I’m not related to Gerard Way, but I wish I was ‘cause he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England,” Keith monologued. The stage went silent for a few.

“Lance, that’s your cue,” Alken stage whispered.

“Oh, fuck, really?” Lance muttered, looking at the script to confirm. His platinum blonde, halloween-quality wig slid halfway down his forehead upon his doing so. Once he finished, he entered stage right. “Hey Ebony!”

“What’s up, Draco?” 

“Nothing,” Lance giggled in a manly fashion to represent shyness.

“Oh, I hear my friend Willow calling me. Gotta go!” Keith nervously chuckled, partially in his own attempt at shyness, but partially in an attempt to mask that Lance’s manly giggle was, like, super hot.

“Wait!” 

“Ya?” Keith said, before turning to Alken in disgust. “I say ‘ya?’ No offense, but no scene kid would be caught dead speaking a variation of dutch.”

“You would know?” Alken replied.

“Scene kids would say ‘what the fuck do you want?’, not ‘ya.’”

“Fine, then. Change my beautiful work. See if I care.”

“Guys! Let’s just move on with the scene, yeah?” Lance suggested.

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Keith agreed.

“Do you want to come to a - oh my fucking god, I forgot that it was Good Charlotte,” Lance muttered, before grabbing a convenient nearby trashcan to hurl into.

“Are you kidding? Good Charlotte is a great band. They wrote ‘The Anthem’ for all us losers. And like, other music too,” Keith argued.

“Sorry, but any music that isn’t on the Power Bops for Power Bottoms playlist? Not good,” he shot back.

“Oh, like you’re a power bottom.”

“How would you know?”

“Anyone who’s seen you knows you’re a-”

“Gentleman! My show is tonight, and I have no time for a lovers’ quarrel,” Alken interrupted.

“Right, right. Next line, uh,” Lance nodded, getting back on track. “Do you wanna see Good Charlotte with me?”

Keith loudly gasped in accordance with the script.

 

* * *

“Hey, Keith, so I was thinking, and -”

“Lance, are you wearing  _ guyliner _ ?” Keith interrupted.

“Oh my god, have you never done any theatre ever? You have to get into the part,” Lance explained, pointing at his guyliner and newly discovered black eyeshadow.

“Can you do my eyes?” the show’s star muttered.

“Of  _ course _ !” Lance gasped. “Here, look up?” he asked after sitting down.

“What did you want to tell me?” Keith asked.

“Oh, right, you were totally out of your realm earlier when you said I wasn’t a power bottom, but what do I come off as?” 

Keith choked for a moment. 

“Because, like, I’ve never seen myself as exclusively a power bottom, but that’s what I usually come off as, and I’m kinda curious about who I seem to be to you,” Lance went on.

“Twink. You seem like a twink,” he answered, cutting Lance off.

“Really? A twink?” the brunet asked, almost sounding annoyed.

“Yeah, you-”

“Five minutes to show, lovebirds! Get moving!” a costume designer giggled as she literally flew by.

“Your makeup’s almost done,” Lance hummed, making a few final lines before standing up. “Alright! Let’s go kick ass out there, yeah?” 

“Yeah!” Keith smiled. Lance’s heart stopped. Keith’s heart also stopped. Then they both stumbled out the door and made their way to the stage.

“Greetings to all! My name is Alken, and I’d like to welcome you to ‘My Immortal’. Please shut off your mobile devices, and enjoy the show!”

“Hey, Keith,” Lance stage whispered. Keith turned around. “Break a leg.”

“You too,” he laughed, and the show began.

For the first few bits of the show, everything went, like, okay. Unfortunately, after quarreling so much during rehearsal, they had failed to reach this point in the script. More specifically, the sex scene in scene seven.

“Oh my god. Dude. We can’t fuck onstage,” Keith muttered.

“Let’s fake it,” Lance whispered back.

“Fake fuck?”

“Yeah. Face the audience, and I’ll just pretend to thrust into you,” he explained.

“Goddamn, can’t wait until we can make eye contact again,” the boy on the bed murmured. Lance snorted before starting to move his hips. 

“Oh Draco, Draco - you bastard!” Keith shouted, pointing to a tattoo on Lance’s arm, which read “Vampire” in a black heart.

“You don’t understand!”

“No, you fucking idiot! You probably have...aids?” Keith mumbled, before deciding to fuck it. “You probably have AIDS anyways!”

Then Keith fled the stage, revealing that Lance’s undergarments were still on.

“This is an outrage! These actors are  _ pussies _ !” an audience member proclaimed.

“Did you actually expect us to fuck onstage?” the duo shouted back in unison, before laughing at each other.

The audience responded with varying affirmations that they wanted to watch real time porn.

“Y’all are fucking pervs!” Keith hollered. A dildo crystal came flying towards him in that moment, and he realized that he was going to die here, on this stage. Then, the crystal didn’t hit.

“Lance!”

“Get us out of here, man. Before that dick really knocks me out.”

Keith ran like  _ hell _ to reach where the lion was parallel parked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have u ever read my immortal? because i have.
> 
> special fangz 2 all my goffik ppl

**Author's Note:**

> told u so


End file.
